Lost Society

697 Wandsworth Road, London, SW8 3JF
Website

So we haven’t posted for a while – no it wasn’t because we hadn’t been out on various towns, obviously we have. It wasn’t because we couldn’t find anywhere worthy of a review, obviously we did. It’s because we couldn’t bothered. And so on to the latest loo review….

To succeed a venue has to have it’s finger on the latest style button – that’s obvious. Better still if it’s a bit ahead of the curve. Even better if the toilets reflect this too.

Welcome to Lost Society. No honestly. We’re not going to follow that with aa cheesy joke about how “You’re welcome to it” (a ha, a ha ha)…. We’ll save that for a review of some other convenience when we’re feeling more bitchy.

Lost Society is lovely and fin de siecle, it’s flowery and decadent, it’s all gloomy and shiny and baroque and flock wallpaper-ish. The toilets reflect that by being all cut glass heart mirrors and lush colours. Who can fail to feel good about a venue which uses mirrors that tell you that you’re loveable? The colours are vibrant and there is plenty of room to feel right at home in them. Levels of cleanliness were high and we were eating there so we were up and down the stairs all night to use the WCs – the standards were maintained throughout.

One feature of the toilets is that the doors to the ladies and mens are open – so you can see the urinals, gloriously placed against the deep red wall of the men’s toilets. To some that might be a reason to mark it down, but not for us, we’re just those kind of gals. And remarkably there were no nasty smells emanating! Even better.

So what is our verdict? Despite a genuine hope that we would be able to review the toilets by telling you that “Lost Society can get lost!” we have to instead use the following phrase:-

“Lose yourself in Lost Society”

8/10

Gilgamesh

The Stables Camden Market, Chalk Farm Road, Camden London NW1 8AH
Website

Someone described this place to me as the “China White’s of Camden”. Never having been to China White’s we couldn’t possibly comment on whether this epic monument to tastelessness compares with it in anyway, but you might be able to, so pray continue, dear reader, to find out what we thought, and let us know.

We are instantly suspicious of anything themed eg the Rainforest Cafe, Hard Rock Cafe, Sticky Fingers. How will the decor be continued? Will the meticulous attention to detail of the external theme be continued into the conveniences? In the case of Gilgamesh (implausibly themed in a Babylonian-stylee but with a “Pan Asian” dining menu and the finest european wines – do these ignorami know nothing at all about geography?) we were particularly interested to see how they treated the toilet decor. Certainly there was ample opportunity for carved wood, gilt, winged beasts emerging nightmarishly from toilet pedestals and so on. And then there was the option of taking the “Train” theme (a track runs right past the long window of the mainbar) or the “Dome” theme (capping all the bespoke Indian carving is a white plastic roof just underneath which runs the Nor Vac system in futuristic stainless steel) but neither of these was chosen – inexplicably…

So the toilets have remained serviceable and bland. To the credit of the designers they have included the dark wood from the main restaurant and bar carvings and faked up some convincing patinaed bronze for the doors and sinks. Sadly, however,  there are no hooks on the backs of the doors and the tops of the cubicles are open resulting in a noisiness amplified by the space and furnishings of the room, there being nothing to soak up the noise. It’s a little like a school changing room at Hogwarts – dark, but clean and with an inexplicable sense of mysterious therefore, though perhaps that was down to the amount of vodka we had consumed.

Worst element? There was a toilet attendant. A pushy toilet attendant.

Let us be clear – having a toilet attendant who thrusts paper towels at you and attempts to engage you in small talk when you are drunk and have just finished one of life’s most basic functions is not classy. It does not add class to a bar, club, restaurant or lounge. It’s demeaning to the person doing the job and also boring as hell let alone potentially dangerous – viz Cheryly Tweedy’s toilet attendant bashing incident. It’s also demeaning to the person who has just used the toilet. All they want to do is wash their hands and they are forced to run (sometimes screaming) out of the room without doing so, or with wet hands because they are too embarassed to pay. And no it’s not because tehy are too tight – whoever heard of paying to do a shit (when it’s not a public convenience)? If you go to a genuinely expensive and sophisticated venue let me  assure there will not be some woman sitting on a stool thrusting Impulse at you. If there is someone there waiting to make sure you have real towels to dry your hands they certainly won’t be charging for it.

So let us recap – it is demeaning to the person attempting to get tips; it is demeaning to the toilet user; it is demeaning to the venue.

On this basis alone we would dock 5 points but combine this with the dodgy decor and utter bizarreness and we are well down towards 0/10. The only saving grace of Gilgamesh is that the food is sublime. But if that’s all you care about good luck to you.

3/10